Aaron Ansah-Agyeman
Season 1 Episode 11
Episode Title: Reality Dawns!
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
They go at it for a long time, and then Sajili stands
up.
She pushes Kofi down and sits on him.
She laces her arms around his neck and rides him fast
and hard, her head thrown back in unbridled ecstasy, her eyes deeply shut as
she suddenly moans and screams as a powerful orgasm rocks her beautiful frame.
Sajili having an orgasm is the most dangerous thing Kofi
has ever experienced.
She slaps his face and screams and scratches his chest,
and then she holds his ears and raises his head and bangs his head down on the
floor several times, dazing him, and then she sticks a finger into his eye.
And Kofi screams.
KOFI
(screaming)
Ajeeeeeeiiii! You burst my eye, you fucking girl!
His eye is burning, and he tries to sit up but she
wouldn't let him as she holds on tightly to him, and then she punches him
repeatedly in the face.
Kofi moans with pain, holds her hair, and drags her
off him roughly, and then he crawls away as his whole body aches from her
assault.
She lies on the floor, still jerking, still moaning,
and then thankfully she goes quiet as her orgasm peters off.
Kofi looks at her with horror.
KOFI
Ebei, aba boshit nso nyi?
But, thankfully, the pain in his loins is bearable now,
but not gone completely. He can survive this.
He slowly lowers himself down, closes his eyes, and
falls asleep almost instantly.
Kofi wakes up on the floor in the living-room.
The lights are still on, and their clothes are still
strewn untidily around the room.
Sajili is not beside him, but he sees that the door
to her bedroom is open.
His bladder is craving with the urge to urinate.
He stands up groggily.
He walks to the bedroom.
The lights are on, and Sajili is spread out naked on
her bed, arms and legs wide, proud breasts standing poutingly up, chut nicely
displayed.
As Kofi looks at her it finally dawns on him!
Usually, at three o'clock in the morning, he will have
a great erection when he feels like urinating.
The sight of Sajili's sweet nakedness fills him with a
great longing, and yet his lavde remains soft and flabby.
He moves to the bathroom and relieves his bladder, and
then goes back to the bedroom.
Slowly he gets on top of the bed and inches his way to
Sajili.
He kneels between her legs and rubs his lavde
carefully along her chut.
He does it gently, and soon she begins to moan, moving
her hips up gently to receive his gentle probing.
She is wet now, but he is still limp and flabby!
Panic begins to assail Kofi, and the more panicked he
becomes the more afraid he becomes, and incredibly it seems to him that instead
of getting engorged with blood and standing up proudly for some chutting
pleasure, his lavde is getting smaller and smaller as if it is....
KOFI
(screaming with horror)
SHRINKING!!!
Sajili bolts upright, startled.
She holds Kofi's shoulders and shakes him hard!
SAJILI
What's wrong with you? You startled me!
KOFI
(desperately, scared)
What the hell have you done to my penis?
Sajili looks at him and smiles gently.
SAJILI
Oh! It is now dawning on you that the password I put
on your lavde is-
KOFI
(angrily)
Stop that lavde, lavde, lavde bullcrap!
SAJILI
Bulltruth, my boy, bulltruth! I passworded your penis!
You really didn't think I was going to allow a player like you to use me for
free, did you?
KOFI
Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh! AAAHHHHHHH!!
SAJILI
I'm here for you, Kofi! This is the weekend, and you
can make love to me as many times as you want, but from Monday no more chut for
your lavde! You'll have to go to India with me and marry me! And then my chut
will be for you forever, anytime and anywhere you want it. However, from today,
you'll never be able to make love to any woman, myself included, unless the
password is used!
Kofi sits back on the bed and looks at her with sudden
sweat on his face.
KOFI
No,
I won't believe that! It is a lie! That can't be! That is bullshit and
you know it! That thing you did? That's nonsense! It is ridiculous! I
won't believe it!
She smiles at him demurely and lies back, spreading
her smooth, curvy legs.
SAJILI
Come on then, loverboy! Take your fill! Hammer me like
dough!
KOFI
(exasperated)
Hammer you like dough. Nonsense. Is that one too supposed to
be sexy?
She giggles and holds out her arms.
SAJILI
Oh, loverboy is sulky! Come here, darling. Come and
let me show you some loving!
Reluctantly Kofi crawls towards her.
He falls on her and their lips meet. She moans deeply
and squirms against him.
He rubs his hands gently on her breasts, flicking her
hardened nipples.
She reaches down and takes him in her hand and rubs
the tip of his pole against the entrance of her hoop.
She is wet, warm and dripping.
Kofi kisses her harder and kisses her throat.
He suddenly moves up her body and presents his
essential member to her lips.
She looks up at him with questioning, teasing look.
KOFI
(gently)
Suck me, please.
SAJILI
But you're as soft as a piece of cushion! Do you want
me to input the password and make it hard so that you enjoy the lavde sucking?
KOFI
(frustrated)
I swear to God if you mention lavde again I'll slap
you!
SAJILI
(giggling)
So what do you want? Should I suck it like this, all
soft and flabby, or you want it hard and sweet?
KOFI
Suck it! Suck it! It'll get hard and harder and
hardened! There is no bloody password!!
She shrugs and takes him in her mouth.
Kofi closes his eyes and shuts out everything, and
enjoys the sensation of being in her mouth.
It lasts for about five minutes, and then she takes
him out of her mouth with a disgusted look on her face.
SAJILI
Damn it! It's like sucking on a cushion! So soft and
fucking mushy! Hey, you want the password or not? If you don't want it I'll go back to
sleep.
Kofi looks at her, appalled, his eyes now bulging with
fear.
KOFI
You witch!
SAJILI
Do you want me to input the password?
KOFI
(fearfully)
You bad witch! You fucking Indian witch!
SAJILI
(shrugging)
Okay. Suit yourself!
She turns her back to him.
Kofi reaches out and pulls her round, and it wasn't
quite gentle.
And Kofi Kuntu bends his head and for the first time
in many years his shoulders shake uncontrollably with the depths of his tears.
Season 1 Episode 12
Episode Title: Tightening Net
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
KOFI
Okay, okay. Do the damn apupuchacha bullshit!
SAJILI
Now you're learning, darling. So you see, I
control when you get an erection. That means, you can't come and worry me with
your erect lavde when I'm not in the mood for sex. I will decide when you get
an erection to make love. Isn't that wonderful?
KOFI
Just do it... DO IT, YOU WITCH!!
She looks hurt suddenly and folds her arms across her
chest and looks at him darkly.
SAJILI
No, I won't do it.
KOFI
(perplexed)
What? Why? What are you talking about?
SAJILI
If you want to have an erection to make love, you
better learn how to ask me nicely, Kofi. You don't want to make me angry when I
control your erection.
Kofi Kuntu is suddenly suffused with a terrible rage. His
hands ball into fists and all he wants to do is beat her face up to pulp!
He raises his right fist to hit her.
She looks at him without fear and shakes her head
gently, looking at him with something close to pity on her face.
KOFI
(apoplectic)
You... you...
SAJILI
Don't make that mistake, my love. Remember, I control
the most important organ in your life now. Be very, very careful about how you
deal with me!
Kofi harnesses all his inner power and relaxes.
He breathes shallowly, and forces himself to calm down.
KOFI
Alright. Alright. Please, Saj, I want to make love to
you, my sweet Princess!
She smiles sweetly up at him.
SAJILI
Yes, of course, my sweet darling. You learn really
fast, and that’s a good thing, sweet little Kofi.
She gets on her knees and stars mumbling the password.
Dimly Kofi is aware of her pulling his penis, one of his testicles, turning his
flabby penis in an anti-clockwise circle and then comes the final hefty two
slaps on his buttocks.
Kofi feels the painful sting of her hands slapping his
buttocks and looks at her with tears of fear in his eyes.
His penis is erect now!
He has no doubts now.
The Indian Sajili has really put a password on his manhood!
As incredible as it sounds, as crazy as it sounds... it
is true.
KOFI
(sniffing)
Kwasea wai! Aboa bi ba wate!
SAJILI
(squinting)
Hey, what's that? Are you insulting me?
KOFI
You're a very wicked woman! So every time I want to
make love I'll receive two hefty slaps on my bare buttocks? You fool!!
She begins to laugh then with real mirth, looking at
him with manic glee.
SAJILI
Yes, Kofi! That's for making me chase you for so long
whilst you spurned me and chased after other girls, making me jealous! Don't
worry, after we're married I'll reset the password and either make it one slap
or, if you're a really sweet boy, take the slaps out of it all together. Now, I
feel horny! Come and klonk me!
Kofi does an odd thing then.
He gets off the bed, still with his erection, and
kneels down in front of the bed, facing her.
He has tears in his eyes.
KOFI
Please, Saj. I beg of you, remove the password on my
lavde! I really beg you! I have a fiancee! We're getting married in a month! I
beg you, Saj, remove the password!
She lies back and slowly spreads her legs and runs her
hands down her breasts to her chut.
SAJILI
I'll
never remove the password, Kofi, my love. I love
you. You're the only man I want. And now, finally, I have you. You're
going to
be mine! Forever! You should get that into your head, and you should
accept it. This is how your life is going to be, forever with me.
Nothing angers me more than the way you've even saved my name on your
phone. Sajili Indian. Such disrespect! Will you be happy if I save your
name as Kofi Ghana, you fool! Now, be a good fiance, come and klonk me!
Kofi stands up and looks at her.
He feels so morose, so incredibly sad that he feels no
urge to make love.
KOFI
Saj, please! I had no option than to agree to your
terms because I used something on my dick, and it was hurting me! I have no
intentions of marrying you! You know I have a girlfriend I'm going to marry!
Please, I beg of you! You can't do this to me, Saj, please!
SAJILI
(pouting)
I've finally got you where I want you, Kofi. I'm not
going to let you marry that girl. Even if you marry her you're not going to be
able to make love to her. You'll come and make love to me, only me. You're
going to be faithful to me whether you like it or not, because your dick is
passworded forever! Now come and klonk me, my darling!
Without another word and with a heavy heart Kofi turns
away from her and returns to the living-room.
Tears sting his eyes as he dresses slowly.
Sajili comes to the doorway and looks at him, her eyes
bright, with no remorse on her face, only a triumphant smile.
And Kofi knows he is in very deep trouble.
He goes outside and leans against his car, his despair
and acute depression buffeting him.
Trembling, he takes out his phone and dials Ato's
number.
It rings several times.
He keeps on calling until it is finally picked.
ATO
(drowsily)
Hey, what the fuck, man! Do you know the time?
KOFI
(tremulously)
She put a password on my dick, Ato.
There is a shocked intake of breath from the other
end.
ATO
What? What did you just say?
KOFI
The Indian chick, Sajili. The one I told you about.
The IT classmate.
ATO
(confused)
Did you say password on your penis?
KOFI
Yes, yes, my paddy. She put a password on my penis,
and now I can't get an erection unless she inputs the password.
ATO
(furiously)
You
call me three in the morning to tell me there's a password on your
penis? Wetin dey
wrong you, Kofi? At this time that normal people are sleeping, you're
walking around with Indians and saying you have a password on your dick!
Nonsense!
He cuts the call.
Kofi calls again.
Ato's phone is off.
Season 1 Episode 13
Episode Title: Tongue Service
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
Kofi drives home and takes a very long shower.
He presses his clothes and gets dressed because he
cannot sleep.
He is so stressed up, and he feels so lonely.
He walks to his living-room and slots in his favourite
porn movie.
It is titled SLUTS AND THEIR HUGE TOYS 12.
He has all the collection from one to twelve.
It features solo masturbation scenes with well-endowed
women.
He sits in the chair and watches for almost forty
minutes, shutting out his mind completely and concentrating on the big-breasted
and huge-assed porn stars doing incredible things with massive dildos.
Normally he gets an erection within the first five
minutes of watching it. Just the sight of one of them getting out of their
clothes is usually enough to make his lavde angry.
But that dawn he sits through forty minutes, and he
feels nothing.
He unzips his fly and drags out his olidade
ahunuabobrim from his boxers.
It looks up sadly at him like some old mouse poking
its head out of a hole.
It looks so miserable.
KOFI
(in a trembling voice)
This is just psychological. Kai, bullshit things!
Whoever heard of a password on a dick?
He continues to watch the video whilst massaging his
langalanga, but still nothing!
No power.
No voltage.
No anger.
He stands up and beats his bula matari faster,
concentrating on the porno movie which is now showing the antics of a curvy
latino with super ass and paradise breasts who has fixed the dildo on the floor
and is squatting over it, trying to impale that giant phallus all up inside her,
presenting a back view that he finds absolutely arousing.
But...
Nothing!
Tears comes to Kuntu's eyes.
He looks down at his oluman sakora and pulls it hard.
KOFI
(tremulously)
Wake up, bula, wake up! Come up! Don't let that Indian
witch kill you, aboa bula!
Just then his phone rings.
It is the special tone for Akweley.
The phone is on the leather seat, and he picks it up
and puts it to his ear as he pauses the movie.
AKWELEY
(softly)
Hello, my love.
KOFI
(weeping)
Oh, Akwe! Oh, my love! I miss you so much!
AKWELEY
But where did you go to last night? I was expecting
you at the hospital but you didn't show up! I was hurting so much and I needed you by my side terribly!!
KOFI
You father wouldn't let me! He drove me out of the
house with a gun and warned me not to come near you again. He even sacked me from my job.
AKWELEY
It's
alright, my love. You know his bark is always
more powerful than his bite. He was just angry. He's okay now. I begged
him on your behalf and he has agreed to give you a second chance, my
love.
KOFI
But how are you, my love, my precious angel?
AKWELEY
I'm fine, love. Just that I miss you.
KOFI
Is your biiiiiiig mouth gone? Oh, sorry, love! It came
out wrong. I didn't mean it to sound like that.
AKWELEY
(tenderly)
That's okay, sweetheart. I'm okay now. What about you? Is the pain
gone now?
KOFI
Yes, yes, it is gone.
AKWELEY
Then come over right now, love. I miss you so much. I
want to see you.
KOFI
What? Now?
AKWELEY
Yes! Now!
KOFI
But your father!
AKWELEY
He's left already, love. Some partners he has to meet
and some deals he has to close! You can come over and kiss me and still get to the office early.
KOFI
(excited)
Alright, sweet honey, sweet abodoo, I'm on my way, my only Princess!
AKWELEY
Hurry, Stallion! I can't wait for your sweet-
KOFI
Klonka!
He has spoken without even realizing he is speaking.
He sighs with sudden apprehension.
AKWELEY
What? What did you say?
KOFI
I said creamy, love. I'm coming over right now!
He cuts the call and stands for a moment.
He looks down as his police abaa which is still out of
his boxers and speaks.
KOFI
Adweaaa! You don't want any porno pussy, right? Well,
guess what, I'm going to give you the best flesh in the business. Akweley is
going to sit on you and bounce, so you better get up from your stupidity and
get hard, kweku donsuro!
He quickly locks up and runs to his car.
He speeds through the empty streets towards his love!
When he opens Akweley's door she is lying on the bed
wearing only the tiniest G-string.
Kofi Kuntu swallows with the rush of love and desire
that rushes through him.
He enters slowly and closes the door.
He walks to the bed and stands looking down at her.
She smiles seductively and slowly opens her legs,
showing him a sight that makes his head pain him with instant lust.
His knees go weak, and he looks from the tip of her
toes to the amazing pair of breasts on her chest.
AKWELEY
(huskily)
Get out of your clothes, K. K. Right now.
Like a magician waving a wand Kofi shirks his clothes
in a blink of an eye, and then joins her on the huge bed.
He kisses her fiercely, passionately, hungrily.
She shivers as his tongue scorches a trail down her
throat.
She moans deep in her throat, her fingers raking down
his shoulders like talons.
His lips are searing orbs of fire on her nipples,
which are engorged and vibrating. His hand creeps gently up her inner thighs,
caressing her gently until he comes to the juncture of her thighs.
His fingers dive under her, playing a sweet kind of
music on her central station.
She is bucking now, her eyes glazed.
His lips descend down her belly as he grasps her
G-string and peel it down her long, smooth legs.
He is kissing her navel now, and then his lips hover
over her wet, warm, dripping muff.
His tongue flicks over her clit.
She moans and loses control as if a category hundred
tsunami has blasted through her.
As Kofi's lips move over her chut, licking and bringing her higher and
higher, his left hand goes down to his own shaft, and tears fall from his eyes
and mingle with her meat as he feels his soft flabby lavde.
No power.
No fire.
No erection.
He works like a machine now, aware that he needs
Sajili's password to get an erection. There is simply no way he is going to be
able to make love to his own fiancé, the girl he is going to marry in a month.
Indeed, Sajili India has ruined him!
AKWELEY
(moaning)
Oh, Kofi... aaash! Mmmm, mmm, mmmm! Assh... aaaaah,
aaaaah, aaaah! Please, come up and make love to me... aaaaash! Kofi, if you
don't come up now I'll explode and you'll be left hanging... come now! I need you inside me now, love! Ooooooooh......
She is holding Kofi's head, trying to pull him up.
But Kofi has no erection, and he is scared.
She pulls him hard, but he is stuck like a mountain,
absolutely unmovable!
He knows he cannot let Akweley find out what is going
on. He has to find a solution fast before his marriage.
He believes now.
Sajili, indeed, has succeeded in rendering him
impotent with all girls apart from herself.
How can that be possible, oh Lord? What has he let
himself into?
Season 1 Episode 14
Episode Title: A Man’s Tears
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
What evil is this?
What witchcraft is this?
Oh, dear Lord!
His tears fall faster as his lips laps down at
Akweley.
This is all he can do now: lick the cunts of girls!
He is useless now!
He cannot do anything!
KOFI
(sniffing)
I can only lick! Oh, Awurade! I can only use my
tongue on a vagi-vagi!! I can't fire! I can't hammer....oooooooh, Awuradeeeeiiii!!
AKWELEY
(moaning)
Whaaaat? Whaaaaaat did you aaasssh mmmm, mmm,
saaaaaay?
Her thighs curl around Kofi's head in her orgasmic
explosion, suffocating Kofi.
He holds Akweley's thighs and tries to pry them apart
as they tighten dangerously around his head.
KOFI
Heeerh Akweley, Akweley! Release my head, release my
neck right now! Akweley, you're killing me, release my head!
She can't hear him.
She is exploding and squeezing him beyond his
endurance.
He stands up, almost lifting her off the bed, and
pushes her off his neck.
She plods back on the bed still bucking with pleasure,
her eyes squeezed shut tightly.
Kofi takes the opportunity to fly into his boxers and
trousers.
Her scent is all over his nose and lips, and he walks
into the bathroom and washes his mouth and face.
He washes the tears from his eyes.
He stares at his reflection in the mirror and shakes
his head with a heavy heart and dries his face.
When he enters the bedroom she is still in bed,
looking at him with dazed eyes, her face flushed with the magic of what had
happened to her.
AKWELEY
You're getting dressed?
He smiles sadly.
KOFI
Yes, love. Gotta rush to the office. Your pops is
angry with me. Wanna be in the office on time.
AKWELEY
Oh, come on, love! He would be passing through other places
before going to the office, I told you. I don't want you to have blue balls.
You gave me a most incredible and powerful orgasm. Come and let me repay you.
KOFI
No, no, my love. Perhaps another time. We just have a
month to the wedding and I don't want to infuriate your father further. Maybe
he might pass through the office before going to wherever he plans to go.
AKWELEY
(smiling)
Ei, Kofi Kuntu saying no to atopa? Wonders will never
end! Don't worry, love. My father can never sack you as long as I love you.
Come, baby. Let me give you one powerful round! I'll give you your favourite, the Cobra Strike! Come, la, my lion!
KOFI
I'll see you after work then, my love!
She pouts with feigned anger as he quickly puts on his
shirt.
He heads towards the door.
AKWELEY
(crossly)
Kofi Kuntu! Don't you dare! Don't I even get a kiss and a goodbye hug?
He smiles and blows her a kiss.
KOFI
The way I'm feeling, if I kiss you I can't stop myself
from ripping you apart like a lion. I'll klonk you bad!
AKWELEY
(laughing)
Klonk? What kind of word is that one too?
He laughs and quickly goes out and runs to his car.
Oh, Lord!
He is even speaking like that damn Sajili!
Klonk?
Has he actually used klonk?
As he drives away he fights down his tears
unsuccessfully.
KOFI
Oh, Saj! You wicked demon!
When Kofi enters the office, Ato is already taking his
breakfast in the small inner living-area.
Kofi walks in and flops into a chair.
Ato, dressed in a dark-blue suit with sky-blue shirt,
puts down his teacup and looks at Kofi with sudden surprise.
ATO
Hey! You look like shit!
KOFI
(softly)
You fucking asshole! Yesty I called you and you cut me
off and switched off your damn phone!
ATO
(grinning)
Sorry, rasta! My anus was paining me something fierce!
KOFI
(shocked)
Your anus?
ATO
Yep. My anus. I've got piles, man. Bad piles! Kooko! Comes
and goes, and it makes shitting a real horror movie when those piles rear their
ugly heads. I was just from the can, bro, and my piles were killing me, and then
you called with some shitty news that some Indian chick put a password on your
prick.
Kofi leans forward and stares at Ato balefully, his
fear drawing a picture on his face.
KOFI
What told you I was shitting you? Sajili put a damn
password on my dick!
Ato doesn't appear to hear.
He puts a piece of toasted bread in his mouth and
looks at his phone.
ATO
I found the girl I want to marry, bro. Beautiful fresh
meat called Maa Abena Nyantie. Beautiful girl, nurse, sweet like mwaaaah! She's
in a WhatsApp group with me, you know, the GOLGOTHA CHURCH YOUTH GROUP. Look at
her! Such a beauty!
Ato leans forward and shows the photo on his phone to
Kofi.
Kofi takes the phone and looks at the profile picture
of the girl who has gotten Ato so smitten.
The picture is just the right eye of a woman, judging
by the shape of the eyebrow.
But it is just an eye.
The right eye of a woman.
It is a lovely eye in a way, penetrating and filled
with some kind of amusing secret, an eye that seems to stare right through
Kofi.
A warm eye.
An eye that seems to be staring right through him,
seeking out his soul.
KOFI
It is an eye.
ATO
What do you mean it is an eye?
KOFI
(giving the phone back)
You're going to marry an eye?
ATO
Fuck you, man! That's Maa Abena Nyantie. A girl on a
platform I share. A sweet, beautiful nurse who-
KOFI
Yeah, yeah, you told me, but this is an eye!
ATO
It's Maa Abena's eye, fool.
KOFI
And you've seen more than her eye?
ATO
(softly)
Nope. I asked her to send me a full facial pic but she
just sent lol. But she intrigues me, man. I look at that eye and something goes
through me viiiiim!
KOFI
You craze pass. You see a lady's eye and suddenly she
is the girl of your dreams? You just want to klonk her, that's all.
ATO
(puzzled)
I want to what?
And that is when Kofi begins to cry.
His shoulders shake and tears fall down his face and
he looks absolutely shattered.
Ato stares at him with his lips open wide.
KOFI
Oh, God... buuubuuubuu, hiiihiiihii, bubububbubb!
Ato Sey cranes his head and looks at Kofi with stunned
indignation.
ATO
Hey! Are you trying to make a fool of me? What the
hell is going on? Are you really crying or you’re just pulling some prank on
me?
KOFI
Hiihhiiii... Oh, Loooorrrd! My penis! My bula matari!
Saji put a curse on my penis! She cursed my penini! She passworded it!
ATO
Season 1 Episode 15
Episode Title: The Elucidation of Ato
Sey
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
Ato stands up and slowly approaches Kofi.
Slowly he drops to one knee and tentatively reaches
out and touches Kofi’s face.
It is only when he ascertains that indeed Kofi is
crying for real, that Ato's face softens and he breathes with horror.
ATO
Awurade Nyankopon! Are you going mad, Kofi? You’re
really crying! What's wrong with you, Bro?
Kofi Kuntu shakes his head and then, haltingly, he
begins to narrate everything that happened to him since he rubbed the Jamaican
Stone solution on his dick.
Ato's eyes grow bigger and bigger with horror by the
second, searching Kofi's face as if to find out some other hidden truth.
Kofi runs a trembling hand through his hair and then
uses his handkerchief to clean his face.
KOFI
So that's it, bro. My future is screwed up. I either
marry this Indian chick, or I become impotent for life. I can't even marry
Akweley because I'm now useless to her as a man!
ATO
Boshit! It is psychological, bro. She has messed up
with your mind using a mixture of hypnotism and some witchcraft. It has given
you performance anxiety of the worst kind. All of us get light offs once in a
while.
KOFI
No, it's not psychological, man! Even with Sajili I
only get an erection when she does the damn password thing.
ATO
Boshit! Listen, this can be cured fast, bro. Today
I'll take you to ashawo line. You get roaring drunk, and then you'll be with
one or two sluts, and bingo, you'll fire away! You only need to enter one hole,
and your mind will be reset forever!
KOFI
(whimpering)
It won't work. You don't understand, man, Saji has
finished me!
ATO
(harshly)
Stop your boshit, man! I'm gonna cure you fast! Now
forget about everything. Take some breakfast and let's get some work done. And
then, in the evening, we'll find a cure for you.
And it is evening now.
First Ato had taken Kofi to his own apartment, which
is on the fifth floor of a six-floor building.
He had tried to get Kofi to relax by making him eat some
Chinese food they had bought, beef noodles, Kofi's favourite.
And then he made sure Kofi was very drunk. He then forced him to swallow one Viagra pill.
He then left Kofi in the bedroom, drunk and horny, and
drove out.
He returned about an hour later with a beautiful
prostitute whom he told to make love to Kofi, but told her he would be
watching.
PROSTITUTE
What? You want to watch me fuck your friend?
ATO
Well, not completely. Just want to see if he gets an
erection, and then I'll leave you to it.
She shrugs as she steps out of her dress and takes off
her bra and panties.
PROSTITUTE
Whatever you want, dude. But remember, it'll cost you
extra for this voyeur shit!
Ato watches as Kofi giggles and takes off his boxers.
KOFI
(drunkenly)
I'm gonna klonk you! I'm gonna klonk you hard and bad
and klonkier! Hihiihihiihi!!
He is naked, and he grabs the prostitute.
And for the next forty minutes the prostitute does all
she can, but Kofi remains flaccid...
No power!
No erection!
Dead engine room!
The girl finally pushes Kofi away and stands up.
Kofi curls up on the bed in the foetal position and
begins to weep heart-breakingly.
The girl looks at him without expression, and then she
quirks an eyebrow at Ato.
PROSTITUTE
So? This guy is very cute, most handsome guy I’ve
probably ever seen, but he's useless. That dick is impotent. You wanna fuck me?
Ato shakes his head numbly as he takes out his wallet
and peels off money to the girl.
She counts the money and narrows her eyes.
ATO
What?
PROSTITUTE
If you're not going to drop me off you better add my
taxi charter money to it. A hundred Ghana cedis.
ATO
(angrily)
Hundred Ghana? Are you going to charter a submarine?
And that is when the prostitute screams like Bruce Lee
and delivers two quick chops to Ato's head with her left fist.
Ato screams with pain as the blows send him toppling
backward.
Kofi screams with sudden insane laughter and points a
finger at Ato's bleeding nose.
KOFI
She kunfued you...hahahahahahaaa! The whore kunfued
your fucking face!!
The prostitute reaches for Ato's wallet and takes out an
extra one hundred and fifty Ghana Cedis, and then throws the wallet at Ato.
ATO
You fucking thief!
PROSTITUTE
You're right about the 'fucking' part, but you're
gonna pay for the 'thief' part! Hiyaaaa!
She spins and her right foot crashes into Ato's head.
KOFI
(coughing with laughter)
She Vandammed you! She did a turning-kick and
Vandammed your fucking head!
The girl gathers her things and walks out of the
bedroom naked.
Ato sits up holding his aching head, and glares at his
friend.
He is not surprised when Kofi suddenly breaks into
tears.
ATO
You cut that shit out now!
KOFI
You see how my bula didn't even twitch? That's proof
number one! Now, let's go to Sajili's house now! I'll give you proof number
two!
ATO
C'mon man! It's all in your fucking head! You need a
shrink, man, to set your brain straight!
KOFI
(screaming)
Fuck you! Fuck you! There's nothing wrong with my
head! Come with me! I'll show you Indian witchcraft, you bastard!
And so, at around 10 p.m. that night, Ato and Kofi get
into Ato's car and drive all the way to the ATIEMO ESTATES.
Ato stays in the backseat as Kofi has instructed him.
He knows that the door will be left unlocked.
Sajili opens the door for Kofi, and soon he vanishes
into the room.
Ato waits for ten minutes as he had agreed with
Kofi.
He gets out of the car and walks quickly to the door which Kofi had unlocked after Sajili locked it,
opens it, and enters a most luxurious-looking living-area.
He finds the bedroom door open, and he lies flat on
his stomach.
He crawls flat towards the open bedroom door, which
Kofi has left open intentionally.
The light is on too, illuminating the bed.
Ato comes inside, still flat on his stomach, and then
he raises himself up to his knees and looks on the bed.
Both Kofi and the Indian girl are naked, and Ato gets
an instant erection when he sees how beautiful and curvaceous Sajili is.
His erection begins to dwindle suddenly when he sees
what Sajili Prakash is doing to his friend.
She whispers some words and then pulls Kofi's penis.
There are more words, and then she pulls Kofi's left
testicle.
Next she holds Kofi's penis and turns it
anti-clockwise twice.
Suddenly she turns Kofi over, murmurs some words, and then slaps his buttocks very hard, twice, and when she finally turns him
over, Kofi's penis is erect, hard and big.
Sajili rises herself above Kofi and settles herself
unto his erection with a contented moan.
She rides him, screaming with delight.
SAJILI
Oh, yes, yes, yes! I love your penis! It is only for
me! Me only! My penis! My sweet penis! Only for me! Only for me! Enjoy it,
Kofi! Enjoy it! This is the only pussy for you! Klonk me! Klonk me! Oh, Kofi
darling, klonk me haaaaaard! My penis! My Peniiiiiiiiiiiis!!
She is enjoying herself, but Kofi turns his face
towards the door, and Ato sees that Kofi is weeping silently!
It brings tears to Ato's eyes to see his friend
weeping whilst he is deep inside that witch.
How on earth can a person make love and cry at the
same time?
Ato crawls back slowly to the living-room, gets up,
and rushes out to the car.
(shocked)
My God! Kofi is right! That witch has put a password
on his penis!
Season 1 Episode 16
Episode Title: Roping In The Police
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
Ato lies in the backseat for about an hour, and then
Kofi appears.
Sajili kisses him in the doorway, and then goes back
inside.
Kofi enters the car and drives out.
It is almost 2:00 a.m.
Kofi stops the car when they are well clear of the
estate, puts his forehead on the steering-wheel, and begins to shiver uncontrollably.
Ato comes out of the backseat and sits by his friend.
KOFI
You saw it, didn't you?
ATO
(stunned)
I saw it, bro. This is pure witchcraft! Let's go to
the police station. My brother is a policeman! Let's go! They'll arrest that
witch and force her to withdraw that damn password!!
KOFI
You s-sure?
ATO
Look, let me drive! We're bringing the
police in first thing in the morning! This nonsense must stop right now!
There is a police station quite near their workplace.
At break time later that day Kuntu and Ato go to
the police station to lodge a formal complaint.
Ato's brother has directed them to a Sergeant Abbiw at
the station.
Sergeant Abbiw is a jovial, florid-faced man who is on
his way out on another assignment, so he takes them into an inner office of the
police station and leaves them with another Sergeant called Setorworfia to help
them.
SERGEANT SETORWORFIA is tall, dark and serious-faced.
He listens patiently to them, and then he stands up and
goes outside without a word.
He returns a few minutes later with two pens and
sheets of ruled paper.
SERGEANT SETORWORFIA
(gently)
Listen, guys, you better write down your statements.
We'll take it from there.
Kuntu looks anxiously at him with very troubled eyes.
KOFI
We have a tight case, right?
The policeman looks upwards for a bit, and then he
looks at Kofi and smiles.
SERGEANT SETORWORFIA
You have an airtight case, bro. Don't worry a bit.
We'll set you free soon.
Tears almost glitter in Kofi's eyes with profound
relief.
KOFI
Thank you, thank you very much, bro.
Setorworfia leaves them, and Ato smiles reassuringly
at Kofi and pats him on the shoulder.
ATO
Come on, Kofi. Write everything down. We'll give that
Indian witch hell, I tell you!
For the next thirty minutes Kuntu puts down everything
that has happened since he received the Jamaican Stone from Ato.
Sergeant Setorworfia comes in and takes their
statements, and then he leaves quickly.
Ten minutes later he pokes his head inside and speaks
in a rush.
SERGEANT SETORWORFIA
(gruffly)
Come with me, guys.
Kofi stands up warily and looks at Ato with some
discomfort.
KOFI
It seems that policeman is trying hard not to laugh,
Ato.
Ato nods and licks his lips nervously.
ATO
Yeah, yeah! I got the same impression, man. His cheeks
were kinda shaking gbrada gbrada each time he came inside, and his eyes were very red as if
he was laughing inside his chest... you know, like he is really trying hard not to let us see he's laughing!
They follow Sergeant Setorworfia to the main reception
area. There are other police personnel here, men and women, and all of them are
striving to keep a straight face.
One of the ladies, a beautiful black beauty, puts down
her phone and looks at them.
POLICE BEAUTY
So which of them is the Kofi Kuntu?
The moment she speaks all the police personnel burst
into uncontrollable raucous laughter, making Kuntu and Ato look at each other with
acute discomfiture.
It is now quite evident to them that their case has
become a sort of jest and fun for the police.
Ato, chagrined, turns on Sergeant Setorworfia with
some venom in his voice and on his face.
ATO
(angrily)
Look here, what's the meaning of this, huh? We brought
our case to you and you made it a public comedy of a thousand laughter?
Setorworfia, who is leaning against the wall and
laughing very hard whilst holding his stomach, now straightens with something
like shame on his face.
He shakes his head slowly and wipes tears of mirth from his
eyes.
SERGEANT SETORWORFIA
Sorry, guys, but you must admit the whole incident is
hilarious! You guys really didn't mean any of it, did you?
There is a fresh bout of laughter, in the room.
Kofi feels the helpless pain crushing his soul.
Still, he notices that there is a corporal sitting
behind the counter who is looking on without so much as a twitch to his face.
Indeed, he looks almost angry.
He is wearing his cap rigidly, and his face is a map
of tribal scars. His eyes flit from Kofi to Ato, and finally settles coldly on
Kofi.
ATO
(furiously)
Damn sure we mean it! You have to arrest the Indian
witch!
This sets them off again into peals of uncontrolled
laughter.
Setorworfia waves their statements in the air and
shakes his head as his mirth slowly peters out.
SERGEANT SETORWORFIA
(patronizingly)
Listen, my friends. I was ordered by my Commandant to
arrest the two of you, initially, but because Ato's brother is a policeman, we
will let you go.
KOFI
(indignantly)
Arrest us? Arrest us, you say? For what? Why? I have a
case and-
SERGEANT SETORWORFIA
(harshly)
You
have no case, my brother! No case at all! This is not a criminal case.
We don't deal in ghost and juju and spiritual things. On what
charge are we going to arrest this Indian woman? And how are we going to
prove that she made
you impotent? When the case goes to court are you going to let her pull
your
penis and testicles and slap your buttocks so that your prick will
erect? And
you seriously think, for even one second, that she will do that
supposing what
you’re saying is true? No, she wouldn’t. Moreover, she can always deny
that she
and you made love. She’ll say you were impotent and couldn’t get it up
from the
word go, and now you're trying to put your impotency on her. No, my
paddy. We can't arrest her, we can't send her to court. It is,
at best, a most foolish case.
Kofi and Ato look at each other with utter
consternation.
ATO
(hoarsely)
You mean... you mean you can't arrest Sajili? And you made us waste our time writing those statements? Aba
boshit nso nyi?
SERGEANT SETORWORFIA
I'm sorry, dude. There's no charge to arrest her on.
We don't deal in spiritual and psychological stuff. We deal in physical and
fact-based crime. The police do a lot of things, but the one thing we don’t do
is arrest witches and spiritual penis password specialists!
There is a bout of laughter again.
Ato takes Kofi's arm.
ATO
Let's get out of here, bro.
The beautiful police woman stands up and puts her arms
around Kofi's neck, looking at him with a mixture of pity and mirth.
POLICE BEAUTY
You're a handsome man, Kofi, so very handsome. Listen,
next time she mentions the password, memorize it okay? Then come and tell me.
I'll gladly pull your penis and turn it around and pull your hwea balls and
slap your buttocks for you! I really want to do it for you! Maybe I can learn from it
too, and keep my boyfriend’s dick on a password! Oh, every woman should have
this ability to password a penis!
Kofi stumbles out of her arms and rushes outside
blindly.
Ato follows him out.
They can still hear the strident laughter of the
police personnel from within the office.
PASSWORD
Aaron Ansah-Agyeman
Season 1 Episode 17
Episode Title: Corporal Tiiiiinga
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
Kofi walks on rubbery legs to the car and leans
against it wearily, his head thrown back to stem the tears in his eyes.
He feels faint, and it feels as if sound is coming to
him from a very far off.
He feels a great sense of helplessness, and it begins
to dawn on him that increasingly he will have to be with Sajili forever if he
wants to slush some tonga.
Otherwise he will forever spend his life as a
completely impotent man. More than ever it is sinking in that he cannot marry
Akweley.
It takes him a moment for him to realize that Ato is
speaking to him.
He forces himself to concentrate.
He looks unseeingly at his friend.
ATO
What are we going to do now, bro? Situation looks real
bad!
KOFI
(voice trembling)
I don't know, Ato, I don't know! I'll be married soon,
and if I don't get this sorted out I'll lose Akweley! I'm going mad, man! I'm
going outta my mind!
Ato leans against the car too and purses his lips, and
then he nods as if something is working in his mind.
ATO
Let's kidnap Sajili and beat the fuck outta her to
reverse the curse!
KOFI
(shocked)
What?
ATO
(looking demented)
Yes, yes, yes! Let's put a gang together and kidnap
Sajili! That girl does not respect herself, and we'll not respect her! We can
kidnap her, take her somewhere, and beat her mercilessly until she unties your
prick.
KOFI
(shocked)
That’s barbaric, bro!
ATO
(angrily)
Barbaric? Barbaric you say? You want to follow her to
India so that they change your name to Dharam Veer Kuntu and put a turban on
your head? Do you know that in their wedding ceremony she will hold the tail of
your robe and you two will go around a fire, round round round? What will you
do in India anyway? Play flutes for cobras? Sing songs like the way Amar,
Akbar, Anthony, Jimmy and Shakar do in their movies? You'll be singing songs
like Jaaaaguuuu, mena mena chaka bufa no papaaa! Damn it, boy! We need to get
you well before that girl sends you to India! We need to kidnap Sajili and beat
this boshit out of her!
Kofi is looking at his friend in helpless horror when
he notices a policeman approaching them.
It is the corporal behind the counter, the one with
the horrible tribal marks on his face who had not laughed when all the others
were laughing.
They look at him warily, and he stops and regards them
coldly.
KOFI
What do you want now, please?
CORPORAL TINGA
I'm Corporal Seidu Tinga.
ATO
(angrily)
You’re Seidu Atinga and so what?
CORPORAL TINGA
(calmly)
I said Tinga, Tiiiiinga, not Atinga. Listen, I believe
you guys. But I couldn't say it in there. We can't arrest the lady. It'll be
like using petrol to fight fire. You need a fetish priest to remove the evil
curse of the Indian, to enter the astral fields and meet her spirit in
supernatural acrobatics and defeat her. You need a powerful Mallam. I know a
powerful man of the spirits who can help you and get rid of this Indian in a
second.
Ato and Kofi look at each other, their hopes up.
Kofi can barely believe his ears. He wipes his face
with a trembling hand and almost hugs the policeman.
KOFI
Oh, really, Mr. Atinga? Sorry, Sorry, Mr. Tiiiinga!
Mr. Tinga! You'll help me? This man can help me?
CORPORAL TINGA
Ahhhh. Koko koraa! He'll bloskoto this Indian girl
juju like the way the most cataclysmic flatulence disappears in clean air!
KOFI
(excitedly)
Oh, thank you, thank Mr. Atin ei, no, Tiiiinga! Thank
you Mr. Tinga! You don't know just how relieved I am! Please, please, when can
you take us to see this mallam?
CORPORAL TINGA
Don't worry, my friend. I can take you tomorrow if you
can make the time!
KOFI
Oh, I've taken a week off my schedule to help me resolve
this issue. My friend here is also on a week's leave. We can go with you
tomorrow.
CORPORAL TINGA
Atigya! Okay, let's find somewhere to sit and plan.
ATO
(suspiciously)
And where is this mystic man of yours, Corporal
Tiiiinnnnnga? Don't tell me he's in Burkina Faso, or Jerusalem! And how much
will it cost us?
KOFI
(angrily)
Ato! Come on! Don't come and mess things up!!
CORPORAL TINGA
That's okay, really. He asked intelligent questions.
Actually the mallam is in the Eastern Region. And he will not charge you a
pesewa until the treatment is done, and then you'll be asked to pay a token,
something small!
KOFI
Yooo! Yooo!! Agreed, Corporal Tinga!
CORPORAL TINGA
(coldly)
You can call me Seidu.
As agreed, Ato Sey sleeps over at Kofi's place for the
night, and they set off at dawn around three o'clock in the morning to go and
see the mallam.
Ato is driving, and they pick up Corporal Seidu Tinga
at the Atomic junction.
He sits in the back and sighs.
CORPORAL TINGA
If day breaks and you see some Hausa Koko, let me buy
some, okay? Man is hungry.
ATO
Yes, sir. Definitely.
They listen to gospel music and preaching from an FM
station.
They stop to buy the porridge for the policeman two
hours later when they get to Koforidua.
The policeman directs them through the suburbs, and
soon they leave the town behind and travel along a gutted, untarred road.
Eventually the Ato stops the car and looks around with
trepidation.
They're deep inside some woods, and the track has
ended, no longer passable.
KOFI
It seems we have come to the end of the road, sir.
CORPORAL TINGA
(yawning, exasperated)
Ooooooooooh! I told you to call me Seidu. What sir sir
is that? Yes, get out and lock the car. We walk from here.
They all get out of the car and Ato locks it.
The corporal then walks to the side of the road and a
moment later takes a narrow path on the side of the road.
Ato and Kofi follow him quickly.
The path is wet and slippery, filled with tree roots
that can snare a man's leg and break it. They walk in silence for a long time.
The path seems to be meandering downward, and they had
to be careful not to fall and plummet down the precarious descent.
Kofi and Ato are panting and gasping for breath by the
time they come to a level ground.
The trees are thicker here, and so is the shrubbery.
There is a wooden sign board nailed to the bark of a
tree with an arrow pointing to the left and the inscription:
TO MALLAM BUSANGA'S SHRINE
There is a long wooden shed in a cleared area, and
Corporal Atinga heads for the shed and enters, beckoning to them to follow.
Ato and Kofi enter the shed and then they come to a
complete halt with surprise.
The floor of the shed is covered with footwear.
Shoes, slippers, high heels and all sorts of footwear.
Folded on some crude benches and tables are clothes,
also ranging from formal suits, skirts and blouses to jeans, shorts and simple
shirts and dresses.
There are purses, handbags and wallets lying on top of
most of the bundles of clothing.
Ato looks incredulous and strangely scared as he
raises questioning eyes.
ATO
And what does this mean, Seidu?
CORPORAL TINGA
We're now entering the shrine. You can't enter the
shrine with your clothing. You have to leave them here. We will walk naked to
the shrine.
ATO
(aghast)
What? No, no, no, no! No, can't do. We can't do that!
CORPORAL TINGA
Then you have to return to Accra. You can't enter the
shrine with clothes.
ATO
But what kind of boshit is that one too? I have to
take off my clothes and with my penis hanging in front of me like a dead snake,
walk into some mallam’s shrine? What at all is this?
Enter. Read. Enjoy. Follow. Comment.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
Season 1 Episode 18
Episode Title: Mallam Busanga
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
Kofi puts a hand on the shoulder of his friend.
KOFI
(sadly)
Come on, man. If that's what we gotta do to get me
well, please, I beg of you, let's do it.
Just then there is a rustle, and two people come into
the shed from an entrance further down, both female.
One is extremely fat, and the other is buxom and absolutely
curvaceous, and they are both naked.
The Corporal turns his head immediately and faces the
wooden wall.
Ato and Kofi gawk at the naked women.
CORPORAL TINGA
(desperately)
Hey, hey! Don't look at them otherwise in the next
three minutes you'll develop four permanent boils on your buttocks!
Ato and Kofi turn their faces away immediately with
little intakes of breath, and wait until the women have finished dressing and
gone out.
Corporal Tinga then begins to undress, causing Kofi
and Ato to look at each other with mounting unease.
Slowly they also begin to take off their own clothes.
ATO
In
fact, this is boshit paaa! I don't like this at all! If I had known we
are going to walk around naked in this forest I would've waited in the
car!
Corporal Tinga is first to finish undressing, and at
the sight of his incredibly massive and vein-filled penis Kofi and Ato look at each other with
stunned eyes.
KOFI
(shocked)
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeerh!!
ATO
(shocked)
Ewurade Nyankopon! Is that a leg or a bula? Kwasea!
Kweeeeeeeerh! Do you have a wife, Tinga?
The policeman looks at them and frowns.
CORPORAL TINGA
And what kind of stupid question is that one too?
ATO
(dazed)
Aboooowa! Do you want to kill somebody's daughter?
What is that monster for? Are you crazy? Do you call that thing a penis?
CORPORAL TINGA
(irritated)
No, I call it a helicopter, fool! What's the matter with you? It has been marked! I
don't put all of it into my wife!
ATO
Abakade! Heeeeerh! Who marked it?
CORPORAL TINGA
A doctor. I have a ring I put on it so that it doesn't
go in past that ring, so my wife is safe!
KOFI
(giggling)
Safe, my ass! If your father-in-law sees that thing I
swear he'll let his daughter divorce you! Ring or no ring, no woman is safe
with that thing! Oh, no, no, no, no! Heeeeeeeeerh!! Kote paa nie?
ATO
I swear! Haba! This banbala kote dier, it wasn't created
by God, no way! That thing between your legs was created by Nebuchadnezzar or
Jehoshaphat or Abimelech, I swear!
Kofi and Ato burst into laughter as they finish
undressing.
Corporal Tinga looks at them and shakes his head with restrained anger.
CORPORAL TINGA
You have to put your wallets down. You can't bring the
wallets. You have to walk to the shrine naked. If money is needed a servant
will come with you to take it.
ATO
(exasperated)
I can't leave my wallet here! Do you want it to be
stolen?
Corporal Tinga indicates the other purses and wallets
lying on the other clothes.
CORPORAL TINGA
No one will dare steal your wallet! Whoever tries will
become a cripple and fall down instantly. There is power here, I won't lie to
you!
Reluctantly Kofi and Ato place their wallets on their
folded attire and follow the policeman out.
They are now walking into thicker bush, the path so narrow
that they have to walk in a single file.
ATO
(giggling)
Kofi Kuntu, I see grey hairs on your buttocks!
KOFI
Oh comot for there!
ATO
(giggling)
Ei, chale, because of small tonga, look at how grown men like
us are walking naked in the forests of Koforidua with our penises swinging in
front of us like the Catholic bells. God, have mercy on our souls o!
KOFI
(laughing)
Stop fooling, Ato! Gyae nkwaseasem no, wate?
After about thirty minutes of walking they finally
come to a branch in the path.
CORPORAL TINGA
From here, the women take the left turn, and the men
take the right turn!
Just then an elderly woman emerges from the left,
stark naked.
Her grey hair is cropped short, and her breasts are so long and
sallow that they almost touch her thighs.
Her groin is a thick growth of grey, and the moment
she sees the mammoth organ hanging in front of Corporal Tinga she gasps, looks startled, does a double
shake and crosses herself quickly.
WOMAN
(scared)
Eiiii, Awurade Nyame, kote ben nie? Blood of Jesus!
Ato and Kofi break into gales of laughter instantly as
they follow the policeman down the path branching to the right!
ATO
(laughing)
Seidu, did you hear the woman? She’s scared of your
tsunami bofti penis o!
CORPORAL TINGA
Will you stop that nonsense, aaaba?
ATO
(laughing)
Massa, find some carpenter to use a saw blade and cut off some of that penis! It's a real horror!
KOFI
This one hacksaw blade can't cut it o, massa! He needs kpokplomaja, knicker knicker machine...tututututututuuu!
As the two friends break into uncontrollable laughter, the Corporal looks at them angrily.
CORPORAL TINGA
Nkwaseafo! At least it doesn't have a password on it!
Kofi stops laughing immediately and glares at the policeman.
KOFI
Aboa bi ba!
Ato screams with laughter at that.
ATO
Heeeeeerh, e pain you roff!!
A few minutes later they come to the shrine.
It is a huge space filled with a lot of clay huts.
There are also some cement structures.
In the middle of the yard is a huge hole in which a
gigantic snake is coiled, the sight of which make Ato and Kofi quiver with
fear.
There are a lot of naked men here.
Some are lying on the bare floor.
Others are lying or sitting on the verandas.
Some are tied to posts.
Two of them are pulling a huge rock with a rope tied
around it.
Others are in an open enclosure, smeared with blood
and performing some sort of spiritual worship.
There is a huge shed to one side of the worship
temple. It is painted white, and under it are mats.
At the head of it is an old man.
He has a long, wrinkled face, and he has a turban on
his head, and dressed in a long, white filmy material.
He looks at them with rheumy eyes as they are ushered
in by an attendant.
There is a huge black pot on his right side that
appears to be boiling because heat steam is emitting from it, but there is no
fire under it.
They are made to sit facing the man.
The attendant speaks in one of the Northern dialects,
and Corporal Tinga replies.
The man in white has been staring fixedly at Kofi
Kuntu.
After a lot of conversation between the attendant and
Tinga, the policeman turns to Kofi as the man in white begins to speak in a
soft, bass voice.
CORPORAL TINGA
Mallam Busanga welcomes you.
Kofi and Ato respond fearfully.
The attendant is now speaking to the Mallam.
After some time, the attendant turns and faces them.
He speaks in a halting voice, his English heavily
flawed by his accent.
ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! Mallam Busanga, he shays your problemsh
ish shmall problemshs, tor, tor, tor!
Corporal Tinga speaks to the attendant rapidly, and
the medicine man nods.
The attendant then speaks in his local dialect to
Tinga, who turns and faces Kofi.
CORPORAL TINGA
Well, I offered to do the translation, and Mallam
Busanga accepted. The crux of the matter is that there is a simple solution,
and a hard solution for your problem, Kofi. The simple solution is that Mallam
can do everything today, and by this night you will be free, and then next week
you will come and make payment to the gods.
Tears come to Kofi's eyes immediately, because it
seems a very heavy load has been lifted off his shoulders.
KOFI
Oh! Oh, yes! Thank you, thank you-
CORPORAL TINGA
(sharply)
I haven't finished! The simple solution is that you
will go to the hen coop and bring one hen. Mallam will put some corn seeds on
the floor. If the hen swallows just one seed, it means Mallam will take the
simple solution. However, if the hen does not swallow any of the corn seeds,
then it will mean the gods have rejected the simple solution, and you will need
to go on with a harder solution!
KOFI
(weeping)
Any solution is a solution! I'm prepared to do
anything!
Mallam Busanga nods and points to the hen coop.
The attendant walks out and beckons to Kofi and Ato.
They follow him to a huge hen coop, and he opens the
top hatch.
There are five white hens in cubicles, clucking
nervously.
Season 1 Episode 19
Season 1 Episode 19
Episode Title: Kicking The Hen’s Head
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
ATTENDANT
(smiling broadly)
Chuuush wine!
ATO
What?
KOFI
I think he says we should choose one.
ATTENDANT
(smiling)
Yesh, yesh, chuush wine!
Kofi and Ato exchange looks.
KOFI
Which one?
ATO
I don't know, bro. Just take one. As for one corn seed
I'm sure any of the buggers can swallow that, at least.
KOFI
Hmmm. Okay, I'll take the one in the middle.
Kofi takes the middle hen and they return to Mallam
Busanga.
The attendant gestures to Kofi to put the hen in front
of the fetish priest.
Kofi puts the hen down.
It makes no attempt to flee.
The Mallam opens his palm.
There are five corn seeds in his palm. He drops them
on the floor, just in front of the hen.
The hen clucks excitedly and picks up one corn seed in
its beak. It turns it over and over and over.
Kofi and Ato are looking on with open mouths, praying that
the hen will swallow the seed, but it suddenly drops the seed.
It picks up another, rolls it, and drops it again
disdainfully.
And then it gets to its feet and begins to strut
lazily away!
ATO
Shit. Damn shit! Akoko Sajili!
KOFI
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Kofi gets to his feet blindly and stumbles after the
hen.
CORPORAL TINGA
(panicking)
Hey! What're you doing, Kofi?
KOFI
(angrily)
Bad hen! Go and eat! Go and eat!
The hen begins to run, and Kofi swings his leg
desperately to stop the hen.
His foot connects with the hen's head.
HEN
(swooning)
Cukooo! Ku, ku! Cooo!
And then the hen falls down dead.
Kofi stares at the hen with an open mouth, too
frightened to move.
The frightened attendant rushes forward and picks up
the hen.
He turns it over and over, then looks at Kofi with
shock.
ATTENDANT
Yew fuuuuul! Yew keeeled the cukoo! Why deed yew keeek
the cukoo in the head, huh? Why deed yew keeek the cukoo la? Yew keeked the
head of the cukoo! Yew fuuuul!!
He carries the dead hen over to Mallam Busanga, who
looks at it sadly and shakes his head.
Kofi is still standing, still dazed with absolute
shock, feeling even more naked, somehow aware that he has made one huge and
terrible mistake.
Even Corporal Tinga looks terrified.
Mallam Busanga is speaking rapidly now.
When he stops Corporal Tinga shakes his head with
horror.
ATO
(hoarsely)
What happens now? Kofi messed up, right?
CORPORAL TINGA
(bitterly)
Messed up? He fucked up! It seems this Indian girl is
very powerful! Now there is only the hard way for Kofi if he wants a solution.
ATO
And what's the hard way?
CORPORAL TINGA
Well, Mallam will prepare some concoction with the
blood of the hen. Kofi will drink a little of that medicine, and smear some on
his penis and testicles. And then, three days from today, he must find a mad
woman and push his penis into her vagina, and he will be healed!
ATO
(shocked)
What? Oh, please, no, no, no! Hey, wait a minute! A
mad woman? Did you say a mad woman? Oh, come on, Mallam Busanga, please! Even you, as
a mallam, can you find a mad woman and push your penis in her? Let’s be
realistic here a bit, please! That sort of thing happens in Ghanaian and
Nigerian films! Never thought it happens in real life. Please come again,
please!
CORPORAL TINGA
(sadly)
I'm afraid that’s it, guys. Mallam says that's the
only way now. It must happen on the third day from today, otherwise he will be
in deep, deep, deep trouble!
KOFI
(horrified)
Oh, I beg you, Mallam Busanga! Please do something for
me, I beg you! I just tried to make the hen peck just one corn, just one! I
didn't mean to kick its head! Please, Mallam Busanga, can't we take another
hen? I'm prepared to pay any price for it, please, please! Have mercy! I can't make love to a mad woman, please!
ATTENDANT
(hotly)
Yew deeedn't jes keeek the head of the cukoo o! Yew booooted the head
of the cukoo! Yew booooted it! Why did yew boooooot the cukoo?
ATO
(angrily)
Oh,
will you shut up over there? What's your own, la? Whether he kicked or
booted the head, he has booted it! Now it's dead! Let's move forward and
stop all that jazz la!
ATTENDANT
Wetin be yew own too? Yor fren keeeled the cukoo! He
booooted the head of the cukoo! Why? Why? Why did he booooot the cukoo head?
Mallam Busanga holds up a hand, and everybody falls
quiet.
He speaks slowly to Corporal Tinga, who then
translates for the benefit of the two friends.
CORPORAL TINGA
It's quite alright, guys. Mallam says the spirit of
the woman is very strong! She is also well-versed in the arts of the
supernatural, and that's why the hen died. Now, the only thing to do is make
sure you insert your penis into the vagina of a mad woman within three days,
Kofi. Mallam says he sees a Dark Cloud following the Indian woman, and if you
don't do it within three days, the solution will become even more difficult!
ATO
(angrily)
Massa, don’t bore me! What's more difficult than
putting your bula into a mad woman's toto?
Kofi Kuntu, still standing, drops his head and begins tremble
in a rather pitiful manner, his expression completely crestfallen.
Ato stands up, approaches Kofi, and hugs him warmly.
ATO
Don't worry, Bro! Don't fret yourself, man! Whatever
happens, we're gonna get this sorted out. This is not the time to lose hope.
Every minute we now waste here is crucial. Let's go and think about how we’re
going to find a mad woman for you to dip!
KOFI
(horrified)
Oh, bodamfo twe! Mebedi bodamfo twe? Oh, dear Lord, I’m
dead! I’m so dead!
Season 1 Episode 20
Episode Title: Arrangement For A Mad
Woman
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
aaronhaven.blogspot.com
They return to Accra in the afternoon.
Corporal Tinga tells them he will be going to Takoradi
for a seminar and so cannot be with them, but he tells Kofi to gather courage
and do the needful.
They give him Five Hundred Ghana Cedis for his
troubles, and he beams with pleasure.
Kofi's phone rings as they drive through the Haatso
roads.
It is Akweley.
Kofi forces a vibrant note into his voice.
KOFI
Hello, my sexy delicious super love! How have you
been?
AKWELEY
(crossly)
I'm very angry with you, K.K. I didn't hear from you
the whole of yesterday evening, and today too you haven't bothered to call me!
Don't forget we have an appointment with my pastor on Wednesday! I heard you
took some days off and you didn't inform me! You're not hiding somewhere with
another girl, are you?
KOFI
Noooo, my love! How can I do that? I don't need any
girl except you, darling. I was just about to call you. I took some days off to
see... to see a doctor, love. Nowadays I've been having dizzy spells and severe
headaches. Didn't want to worry you.
AKWELEY
(tenderly)
Awwww! My love! And you didn't inform me? I would've
come to pamper you, you know! Very sorry about that! But you know I miss you
all the time! Where are you now? Have you seen the doctor yet? Can I come over?
KOFI
No, no, love! It's quite alright. I'm going to have
some lab tests now and show the results to the doctor.
AKWELEY
Ohhh. I hope it's nothing serious.
KOFI
Oh, no, love. He was mentioning lack of rest and stuff
like that. Let me finish and call you back, okay?
AKWELEY
Alright, my love. But pass through this evening, okay?
I miss you too much. Maybe we can have a slow one when you come, to drive the
blues away!
KOFI
(lustfully)
Oh, yeah! I miss your sweet, sweet, place! Will
definitely pass through and pass through you! Love you so much!
AKWELEY
(laughing tenderly)
I hear you, Mr. Passing Through! Love you too much, K.
K! Byeeeeee!
Kofi cuts the call and looks sad immediately.
KOFI
(tremulously)
That's Akweley! She wants to make love this evening...
oh, Lord!
ATO
(irritably)
Will you cut out that sadness crap? It's time to ball
up and get this done, and the tears won't help, man! Cut out that crap! Listen,
we'll find something to tell her in the evening. You come to my place, okay? We
need to plan this, and find a way out quick.
KOFI
(sniffing)
What am I going to do? Oh, what am I going to do? I
can't dip a mad woman! You know I can't, bro! I can't, I can't I just can't!
Bodamfo twe de, empare me koraa!
ATO
Hey, hey, hey, my paddy! You can! It's not as if
you've been told to hammer the thing. You just drink the medicine, spread some
on your bula, and dip it once into the mad woman's toto. That's all, man! Don't
go saying all those bullshit things! If you don't do it, you'll lose your fiancee,
you'll lose your job, and Sajili will take you to India to sing jaguu jagaa,
malaguuuu oh oh jabaaaaa!
KOFI
(smiling)
Aboa like that!
ATO
(giggling)
Your mother! Next time play with women’s feelings!
Ato takes Kofi to his apartment at Westlands.
They buy some kenkey and fish on the way.
Kofi is feeling a little better, and they begin to
eat.
He pours some water to drink, and then suddenly tears
film up in his eyes again.
KOFI
(sadly)
And where am I going to find a mad woman? And how am I
going to put my thing inside her? What if people see me? Ahhhh, the disgrace,
the shame alone!
ATO
(exasperated)
You koraaa why la? Aaaaba! Eat komi ke kena and stop
thinking about mad women! Tomorrow we'll plan!
KOFI
But I only have up to the day after tomorrow to do it!
ATO
Don't worry, brother! Eat and rest! We'll definitely
find a way! There are a lot of mad women in Accra. Don't worry koraa!
After eating, Ato tries to take Kofi's mind off the
problem by playing FIFA 2017 on the X-Box One console with him.
A call soon comes on Kofi's phone.
He looks at the screen, and then the sides of his
mouth drop and he begins to look fearfully sad and broken.
Ato drops his controller and looks at his friend with
pity.
ATO
(softly)
Is it Akweley again?
Kofi shakes his head, tears swimming in his eyes, and
holds up the phone.
KOFI
No! Not Akweley. Sajili... oh, what does she want
again?
Ato stands up, takes Kofi's phone, opens the back, and
removes the battery.
Next he goes to his bedroom and crushes two tablets of
a sleeping pill.
He puts the powdery drug into a glass and pours some
scotch on it.
He returns to the living-room and puts iced cubes into
it, and then he gives it to Kofi after shaking it well.
ATO
Here, man, drink up!
KOFI
(sniffing)
What is it?
ATO
Just drink the fucking thing, man!
Kofi nods, and drinks it.
A few minutes later he stretches out on the carpeted
floor, and a couple of minutes later he starts to snore.
Ato sighs deeply and picks up his phone.
He walks into the bedroom and makes a call to his
friend, NII LIN.
NII LIN
Eeeei, saman! Father ghost! Eiiii! That's why the
weather make so black! Eiiiii! You dey call me today after what, like two
years?
ATO
(giggling)
My paddy, cha how be? I call you teeeey! Ei, if you
make rich man yob me o!
NII LIN
(laughing)
See am! Your eye die now you wan flow nigga fans. So
chale how far? I hear from you keep roff!
ATO
Cha, I chork well, by grace. E be my best nigga who
get some massive problem, bro. Some Indian chick put some juju for e prick top
wey ridee the prick no dey jack! E dey come marry too, so the situation make
roff like maame wata e cunt inside!
NII LIN
Oh, cha! That be sad, man! Too sad! But you for try
carry am to some mallam make e comot the curse give am.
ATO
Oh, we go, bro! Some policeman bi carry we go some
bush inside go see some fetish priest! Heeerh, paddy! That place you for comot
all your clothes and put your prick for naked before you walk inside!
NII LIN
(cackling with laughter)
Heeeerh! No be easy! Eiii, all that wahala because of
small tushy o!
ATO
(laughing)
I tell you! Anyway, the aft be sey my paddy for put e
prick inside mad woman e toto inside like one minute bi, abi you see that kan
tin? The trouble be sey if we go outside go look for some mad woman, the police
go fit barb my paddy, then e go turn another problem altogether. But then I
come remember sey you dey job for the ADADA ASYLUM, then I start dey think sey
if you go fit make some arrangement give my paddy so sey we go find some coins
give you, then you go give am one of the mad women then the asylum so that my
paddy go fit dip e prick inside am.
NII LIN
You dey talk pleeenty, massa! You no get problem. When
e wan do am?
ATO
E for do am the day after moro!
NII LIN
No P. You bring am like around midnight moro, right,
then I go fix am. I go arrange everything plus the security men so just bell me
when you reach the gate.
ATO
Oh, cha! God bless you waa! You save man e neck! We go
crosh then. We go do you fine, make you no fear!
NII LIN
I dey for you, massa! I go wedge you guys!
No comments:
Post a Comment